Going Like Sixty

There’s something amiss (pun intended) in the Ladies Professional Golf Association. (LPGA) (ladies, harumph!) No, it’s not their lack of language skills like the LPGA thinks, it’s their lack of looks and the fact that they are all named Park, Kim or Lee. Except for Ochoa. And Wie, but she can’t win.

The LPGA announced they will suspend players from their tour if they can’t pass an oral evaluation. (No pun intended)

Seon-Hwa Lee, the only Asian with multiple victories this year, said she works with an English tutor in the winter. Her ability to answer questions without the help of a translator has improved she says. But I’ll bet you a long tee, she needed a helper to formulate this quote…

“The economy is bad, and we are losing sponsors,” Lee said. “Everybody understands.”

One of the directors, Ms. Peters (I am NOT making this up) says it’s only right.

“This is an American tour,” Peters said. “It is important for sponsors to be able to interact with players and have a positive experience.”

And here I thought it was all about TV ratings lead by quality golf! No, it’s just that the big-wig white guys want to flirt with the golfer chicks.

Some obviously closeted men even think beach volley ball got tedious during the Olympics.

Since it’s not about TV ratings, and they won’t play golf in bikinis, I cannot come up with a solution. I’m just saying that teaching Kim Lee Park to say “conditions were good for scoring, I just couldn’t make any putts” won’t resurrect the Ladies Professional Golf Association Tour.

These may not be solutions, but they are my suggestions:

• Paula Creamer dresses everyone.

• Posture lessons from Morgan Pressel

• Wardrobe by Venus Williams

• Lift, clean and place at every tournament see Morgan Pressel)
• Weight to Height ratio enforced
• Lose a limb or have a short arm
• Deduct inches from knee to bottom of skirt from final score.
• Gimme putts length determined by bust measurement
• All female caddies who must meet same standards above.
• Players who cash in must collect check that is laying on the ground.
• Kissing your caddy after each round must be open mouth.

Nah, it’s hopeless. The LPGA is headed the same as the National Hockey League: you can see them on TV only if you have 886 cable/satellite channels. And then only during playoffs. What? no playoffs in Ladies Professional Golf? Well there ya go! LPGA needs playoffs!

Politics are a carnival of life. So why not make a side show out of a torture technique like waterboarding. Ya pays yo money, ya gets a show that “Don’t Gitmo Better.” Steve Powers opened the sideshow in the shadow of the famous Cyclone rollercoaster. After peeking in a small window you will see a lifesize figure in a hooded sweatshirt lean over another figure. Plug in a few bucks and the waterboarding scene is played out for your viewing enjoyment, including convulsions. Does it get any better? Is it worse than putting Mayo on a Nathan’s Hot Dog? If it’s OK as an interview technique, why is it called a side show?

Aw, heck if you got it flaunt it, that’s what they always say.

A Sheik spending $47,000 to have the oil changed on his Lamborghini Murcielago LP640 was probably chump change.

To make sure the maintenance was performed right, he had his luxury oil change done in London. He had his car flown all the way from Qatar to London just for the oil change. The supercar only costs about $380,000 and is the same car Bruce Way (Batman) drove in The Dark Knight movie, so yeah, it’s special. The bill for the service was $7,000, the other $40,000 was for transporting the car.

Shigeo Tokuda, or better known as just ‘Tokuda’ in his line of work, is a 73-year-old who gets more action in the bedroom than most men do in their dreams!

Tokuda is a star in elderly porn movies. He sleeps with women between the ages of 20 and 80 - and even gets more than one woman at a time.

Tokuda has starred in over 200 adult videos and hopes to continue to do so until his 80s.

“I retired and didn’t have anything to do,” the porn star, who works for Ruby Productions, said.

This is my second life. I don’t know how long I can keep living, but I want to enjoy the rest of it.”

“In his generation, Tokuda is a superstar,” said adult video director Gaichi Kono.

“He encourages older people to think, ‘I can do this because that old man can do this.’”

McDonald’s has very cool interior designers at work in Europe.

European readers may be surprised at my surprise at how cool this McDonald’s design is. It seems that McDonald’s has been very successful in Europe, not because of the wonderful, healthy, fast, food, but because of the store design.

Well, duh! I haven’t been inside a McDonald’s in ages, not just because of the ankle biters, but because of the cold, boring predictable, and lame interior. If this comes to the U.S., it would revolutionize fast food store design. Could it be that McDonald’s will knock off Starbux as the new cool place to be seen?

Would you hang at a place like this?